How to be bold?

“Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneur's worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious.

A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work

So this quote was emailed to me today, June 6th, for the Trust 30 writing challenge.  It's about being bold and doing the thing that I've been hesitating on.  I doubt myself.  The writing challenge asked what I want to accomplish but am afraid to try?  How do I rationalize it away?

Today I went to the MATC adult learning center for a "Dislocated Workers" program.  The career counselor urged us to get into a program that could help us get money for classes.  I have thought about going to MATC for a while now.  I still don't know what I'd like to study.  I found out today that there are waiting lists for most of their degree programs. I don't have the money.  I haven't been in school for a long time.  As I already mentioned, my placement test scores for math were bad.  Those are my doubts and obstacles to going back to school.

I'm pretty good at thinking about my obstacles and not deciding that I can do these things.  I hesitate & doubt myself.  Deep down I know that I'm more capable than I allow myself to be.  I think it's time that I start investigating things.  I'm going to take some steps. 

Travelin Girl

So it's been a few days since my last Trust 30  post. The writing prompts are thought provoking. I haven't been that inspired to write, though. Maybe I should just trust myself and write!

The writing exercise for June 4th is called Travel. The exercise writer assumes that we all have a desire to travel. That's true for me. I'd love to go to Europe. It's been so long since I studied French in high school. I would be pretty rusty, but I'd love to check out Paris.  I've heard that Eastern Europe is beautiful.  I know very little about it, so I want to learn more and maybe visit.  I don't have the money to travel to Europe right now.  I do wanna go, though.

I love this video of Dwele & his band performing the song Travelin Girl.  He's a great songwriter.  I like his style & voice.  The horns are hot!  His iPhone Chronicles videos are funny.  He's a clown.  (Go to Dwele's Youtube page for the IPC videos.)  His homemade music videos look professional & are really creative.  I'm gonna have to blog about a few of em.

I wonder if this is Dwele's apartment or his studio?  By the way I love how his dog Rockstar shows up in most of his homemade videos! Hey Rockstar!

Yesterday's Today

I skipped the Trust 30 writing assignment yesterday. I just reread it and it's more interesting and thought provoking than I thought. Yesterday's writing exercise is called "Today". It's another wide open task, asking me to "describe today using one sentence." What's meant by today? The literal 24 hour period? Can today be more abstract and refer to the society that we live in with its values, behaviors, etc.? Should I use yesterday June 1, 2011 as the day in question? That was the day I received the email prompt.

Liz Danzico, the author of yesterday's writing prompt, brought up an interesting idea when she wrote "If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tracks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays." I don't know anything about sailing a ship. I guess the ship has to zigzag because the water is always moving around it. It moves back and forth in response to the water, but still gets to its destination. In the present moment it's going toward its destination, even if it just zigzagged.

I've spent a lot of time dwelling on my past. My previous writing assignment shows that. I was kinda depressed in the past because I internalized the insults and negativity of the past. At any point in time things weren't that bad. But I criticized myself for things I said or did in the past. Thanks be to God, I'm getting out from under that negativity.

Ok, so after all that, I haven't written a sentence to summarize today. I'm going to refer to today, June 2, 2011. I went to MATC to take their college placement test. I'm trying to get into a job training program with funding from the county job center. So, to summarize that experience in one sentence, I would say:
Today I found out that I'm not very good at algebra, and I'm ok with it.

A new writing assignment

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is my first entry into the Trust 30 writing challenge.  It's a 30 day writing task meant to help participants look into themselves and trust themselves more.  The above quote was emailed to me along with the writing assignment to imagine I had 15 minutes left to live and write the story that needed to be told.  That's a wide open assignment.  It seemed right to reflect on what happened in the past and compare it to the present. I'm not sure if what I wrote had much to do with the above quote.  I just wrote what came to mind in a 3rd person story form. See the blue paragraphs below.

Once there was a girl living in a small town. She went to school with the same people every year. She was called ugly, fat & dumb. She actually did pretty well in school, but she doubted herself. She often didn't like her work. Sometimes she didn't allow herself to be creative. She had internalized the negative messages from her peers. She expected to be criticized. When she went to college she still had doubts. She isolated herself by playing a lot of online games.

Eventually she found a church group who cared & prayed for her. Slowly but surely God brought her out of the negativity. She began to feel better about herself and her abilities. However, she still wondered about her place in life. She stood at a crossroads, unsure of which direction to go. Her head was clearer of the negative fog that she had been under as a child & teenager. She was indeed grateful to God for revealing little bits of His grand love for her. Unsure of what the future held, at least she had positivity in her life to point her in a direction, any direction that she chose.

Blog Resurrection

Ok, so this Reticent Squirrel blog has been dormant for about 3 years. Dang. I guess I never felt as though I had anything to say. That's part of the problem. I used to find fault in a lot of things I try to write. I don't consider myself a writer. I sometimes self criticized random thoughts I put in a blog. I just spent a few minutes reviewing my old posts. They aren't half bad. I don't know why I sometimes self criticize.

I decided to resurrect this blog because of something I saw on Twitter. Yes I'm on Twitter now. I express myself daily, 140 characters at a time, lol. I follow a lady named Tricia Huffman. I learned about her through Jason Mraz. It's official. I'm a big fan of his! (I saw him live in concert since this blog post, borrowed his cds from the library, put them on my ipod and watched plenty of his live Youtube clips.) Tricia toured with Jason Mraz as his "Joyologist". I guess she coached him on yoga & nutrition? I'm not sure. @BeingTricia tweets a lot of positive affirmations. They've helped me in one way or another.

Well, Tricia Huffman posted an article on her blog about a 30 day writing challenge based on a Ralph Waldo Emerson book called Self Reliance. I know almost nothing about Emerson & his writings. I decided to take the writing challenge though. Why not? I can think about my life and circumstances. I can post my reflections here. Here goes...

Ricky Skaggs/Bruce Hornsby concert

Around 6 PM on Thursday night, October 9th, I was stressed out about how my hours were reduced at work. I wouldn't be able to afford to attend any Maxwell concerts nearby my fair city of Madison, Wisconsin. Things weren't entirely bleak because I was able to contribute money and a gift toward a gift basket for Maxwell's highly anticipated hometown show at the Radio City Music Hall in New York City. I just found out today that the show was incredible and my gift was delivered into Maxwell’s hands, YES!!

I consoled myself by going to the cafe and ordering a $2 Chai latte and crumb cake. I psyched myself up for the concert I would attend later that night by listening to “Salvation in Lights” by Mike Farris on my new iPod Shuffle. I tapped my toes to the lively piano of a mid tempo version of Tommy Dorsey's “Precious Lord, Take my Hand.” I mentioned it to a lady at the cafe named Mary who said “Oh, Ricky Skaggs is a country singer. He's really good.” The reason I bought a ticket for the Ricky Skaggs & Bruce Hornsby concert was to see Mike Farris open the show.

I arrived at the Overture Center for the Arts and found my seat in the 2nd balcony shortly before the show began at 7:30. I wore a red tunic with black floral print and black sequins on the collar, brown pants and gold flats. It was the outfit I originally bought for the Maxwell concert. Mike Farris walked out wearing a white button down shirt, pinstriped black vest and blue jeans. He introduced himself and talked about how he made the CD he had always wanted to make called “Salvation in Lights.” He remade the old black spirituals & gospel songs he loved so much. During the performance he mentioned his love for Sister Rosetta Tharpe and the Staples Singers. When he mentioned his CD I said “woo!” Mike laughed and said “Only one person in Wisconsin has my CD!” I don't think many people knew his music. I was happy to see him open the show!

Mike Farris sang 6 songs accompanied by an acoustic guitar. I didn't recognize the first song, but it was an old one about troubled times soon being over. How appropriate based on my mood earlier in the day! I found myself singing along with “I'm Gonna Get There,” “Can't No Grave Hold my Body Down” and “Oh Mary Don't you weep” from “Salvation in Lights.” I felt like singing the happy chorus “I'm on my way to heaven!” which accompanies the CD version of “I'm Gonna Get There.” Mike Farris did a wonderful job on “Green Green Grass of Home." He got the crowd to sing and clap along with “Will the Circle Be Unbroken," but he restarted the song because he joked that he wasn't very good at keeping time! At least he's honest! I loved his powerful voice and soulful crescendos. I know he won over at least a few people in the audience.

Ricky Skaggs and Bruce Hornsby played a 2 plus hour set of lively bluegrass music. Ricky Skaggs played a mandolin and his band Kentucky Thunder consisted of 3 guys playing acoustic guitars, a banjo player; stand up bass player and a fiddler. The music felt rather free flowing, as the players took turns playing prominent solos in the songs. I didn't think it was possible to play bluegrass on a piano! Bruce Hornsby, who is a wonderful pianist, shook his hands and flexed his fingers after one or two songs. He had quite a pianist's workout that night! I'm not a musician myself, so I was amazed that the band members played their fiddle, guitars, banjo and of course piano so skillfully.

I had a hard time following the words to some of the songs because I'm a bluegrass novice. I also didn't know the names of the songs unless they were mentioned by Bruce or Ricky. A few were sung in a stereotypical “country” style, fast and a bit nasally with a southern accent. Most of the songs were about lost love, except for the one that may have been called “Big Spoon”. It was about Bruce's father taking more than his share of his son's ice cream cone!

Later in the show they did a song about a woman left at the altar on her wedding day. Her fiance was caught behind the church with another woman. Bruce said it was the perfect topic for a bluegrass song. In a morbid way it is! It ended with a woman wearing a black veil walking alone along the road. Maybe it was the ghost of the jilted bride who haunted the town where she was supposed to be married? I kinda like that idea!

The group performed 2 of Bruce Hornsby's songs that I recognized from the radio in the 1980s, “The Way It Is” and “Mandolin Rain.” There was another song I thought I recognized, but I can’t be sure. He said his song “The Way it Is” was used by Tupac Shakur and another rapper named E40. I had no idea about that. A lady in the audience shouted “Yours is the best!” Bruce Hornsby misheard her saying something about “a bat.” Bruce went into a funny improvised song about a Louisville Slugger while playing seemingly random chords. He mentioned the name “Shernberg” or maybe “Schonberg”? Must have been an avant garde piano composer, nothing I'm familiar with. Bruce Hornsby is very good at improvisation. Once the full band began “The Way it Is” I loved the way the fiddle accompanied the piano in the chorus.

Later Ricky Skaggs announced some clogging songs. He asked if anybody in the audience clogged. He even had the house lights turned on. A couple women enthusiastically stood up and said yes. He invited them to the stage to dance. It took a few minutes, so Bruce played & sang a song that may have been called “Black Muddy River.” Eventually the band played the clogging songs which didn't sound that different from the rest of their bluegrass stuff. Three ladies bounded out onto the stage and danced around. I think they just improvised, but it was fun to watch.

After the show I went back to the main level of the Overture Center for the Arts and noticed Mike Farris behind the merchandise table. A few people were standing around talking; I eased my way past them, shook his hand and told him how much I enjoyed the show. I said I remembered him from the Screamin Cheetah Wheelies days, the bluesy southern rock band from the 1990s. He said “Oh I'm sorry!” I told him that it was good music! He said I should come see him in Nashville. I wish I could because I would love to see his full band perform with the horns, piano and backup singers! I hope he brings his full band back to Madison sometime soon!

The funny thing is I don’t remember how the whole conversation went down. I was a bit nervous but I pulled my CD liner out of my jacket pocket and asked Mike Farris to sign it. He wrote either “gracias” or “grace” and signed it. It was kinda hard to read, but I guess that's how musicians write. Ha! Mike asked me if I was the one in the back who yelled during the show. I laughed and said yes, I was the only one in Wisconsin with his CD.

I congratulated Mike on his Americana Music award for Best Emerging Artist. I said I enjoyed his Myspace blog posts about playing the Ryman Theater, the home of the Grand Ol' Opry and left comments. He said “You're Rhonda? Give me a hug!” He stepped around the table and hugged me. I don't remember the comments I've left Mike Farris, but I'm sure I told him he has an amazing voice. I guess my Myspace comments made an impact on him! I enjoyed Mike Farris’ performance. Ricky Skaggs, Kentucky Thunder and Bruce Hornsby were incredible. I really enjoyed myself.

Justin, Jesus & the creepy guy

I have been meaning to update my blog for months now. I just haven't gotten around to it. My junky laptop is messed up again. The hinges are broke, so it won't stay open. It's kinda funny that when I get my laptop propped open and ready to work on this story, I end up falling asleep!!

I originally posted this story on the Maxwell Fan Forum. I've been trying to expand it into a blog post. The Maxwell Fan Forum is the #1 Yahoo Group dedicated to the artist Maxwell. It's been around for 10 years, as of Monday, August 18th! It's a group of mostly ladies who have stuck by Maxwell for years, especially through these last 7 years when he hasn't provided the world with much new material. I'm relatively new to the "MaxFam," I read some interesting articles about Maxwell that are posted and reposted on the message board. The ladies also hook me up with some amazing pics and Youtube videos of his TV performances. I've gained a lot of respect for Maxwell as a performer and person through the videos and articles.

So, on to my story, I work from 12-8 pm. I get home around 9 pm due to the bus commute Sometimes I sit outside on a park bench after work. It's only 2 blocks away from my place. It's probably not advisable for me to do so, but otherwise I don't get much time to be outside. There's an older homeless black guy named Lonny who is interested in me. I used to encounter him selling/ soliciting his "Street Pulse" newspapers. He told me he admires me and wanted to have lunch or coffee with me. I didn't really feel comfortable saying hi to him. I changed my mind, partially because of the "Get to Know Ya" song, and decided to at least say hi to him.

Then a few weeks ago he sat down on the park bench to talk to me. I could tell that he had been drinking. He told me some of his problems and that he wanted a "lady friend" to help him out. I call this my "Get to Know Ya" problem. It's based on one of Maxwell's sweet songs about longing to really get to know a particular woman, rather than just casually hook up with her. Lonny may wanna get to know who I am; the problem is I don't want him to get to know me! He makes me uncomfortable when he puts me on the spot. He's a lot older than me and has problems that I can't help! I told the "MaxFam" ladies about my problem, and they pretty much confirmed what I know. Lonny isn't anyone I wanna be involved with.

Two weeks ago on a Tuesday evening, I ran into Lonny again, except he was walking & talking with a friend of mine named Justin. I was sitting on a park bench about 2 blocks from home reading a book. (It was an intriguing ghost novel called "Heart Shaped Box.") Lonny said something like "Hello there, young lady." and Justin said "Hey, it's Rhonda." I lifted my head outta my book when I heard my name.

Lonny described to Justin how he had been telling me he admires me and is interested in me, but I told him to leave me alone on the bus. (On the particular night I mentioned, he got on the bus after me and started to get up to follow me off the bus when it was my stop. I looked at him and said "Do not follow me!" He didn't follow me.) I said, "Well you make me uncomfortable when you put me on the spot like that." I tried not to sound too angry when I said it because I didn't want Justin to see me angry.

Lonny asked me if I wanted to share his wings with him and pointed to his take out bag. I said no because I'd already had dinner. I hope I effectively communicated to Lonny that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I didn't get angry because Justin was around. I asked Lonny for a copy of his "Street Pulse" newspaper in which he had written an article because it contained the obituary of a different street person named John. I talked to John pretty often. He was a nice guy. I miss him. Lonny said he would get it for me. I don't really want to have Lonny owing me something because I don't wanna associate with Lonny.

Eventually Lonny left and Justin stuck around to talk. We talked about a couple trips he went on and some other stuff about our faith. Justin remembered that John went to mass at Holy Redeemer almost every day. I really like Justin. He's a nice guy. He's smart and kinda handsome. He loves God and his faith. When I told Justin that I sit outside on State St. some evenings, he looked kind of concerned. I think he was concerned for my safety. He walked me home, even though it was about 2 blocks.

Justin is on summer break from Catholic seminary. I really admire the fact that he's going to become a priest. He must have so much to study! I kinda think I love him!! It's idealism, though cuz I don't have real romantic feelings for him. I try to pray for him and his fellow seminarians. Maybe that’s why I think I love him. I have the Christian love for him that God puts in my heart. If he does become a Catholic priest, he can't be married. Justin will be married to Jesus & His church. Put it this way, I wanna marry someone like Justin!

Fucked up priorities

I think I live in a city with fucked up priorities. I will show you in pictures in just a minute. Madison, WI, has been called "The Berkeley of the Midwest" for its liberal politics and Vietnam War protest violence. (The linked article gives a brief history of the bombing of a University of Wisconsin science building in protest of the war.) Another article by a culture reporter from Lexington, KY, who visited this fair city commented more about the ecclectic atmosphere of State St. and the UW campus. I like State St. The sidewalk cafes are nice in the spring and summer. There are some interesting stores and ethnic restaurants. The nearby lakes are pretty, too.

Madison is still well known for its protests of the current Iraq War. People gather on the steps of the state Capitol building at one end of State st. and march down the 5-6 blocks carrying signs and shouting slogans to the UW Campus at the other end. You can keep apprised of the upcoming protest marches by looking at the Mad Peace website, which covers various liberal social issues besides the War in Iraq. (Pro gay rights, pro environment, pro immigration, anti war, anti President Bush, etc, etc.)

One of the war protest strategies is to write slogans on sidewalks, and increasingly, on buildings with chalk. That kind of bugs me because it's basically grafitti. Here are two pictures of protest slogans drawn side by side on a building. There seem to be some competing agendas here:





As you can see, someone wrote "On the Unborn" under the anti-war slogan in the first pic. (So it would say "NO MORE WAR on the unborn"). Someone wrote "End Abortion" under the peace sign in the second pic. Then someone else came along and scribbled out the pro life messages.

I don't really care to hear the reasons why the war in Iraq is wrong. (It was fought over oil, to exert U.S. military dominance, etc, etc.) It doesn't make sense to me that people here in Madison could be against the war and for abortion. Supposedly they're against the killing of innocent Iraqi civilians and American soldiers, but for a woman's "right" to have an abortion. Who's lives are more valuable? The Iraqis? The adult American soldiers? The war protesters? Or the millions of American babies lives that are being destroyed before they take their first breaths? The answer is all of them are important!

I firmly believe that abortion is killing an innocent baby before he or she has the chance to enter the world! NOBODY is going to tell me differently! It's horribly sad. I have empathy for women who are caught in a bad situation and find themselves pregnant. However there are resources and people willing to listen & help at places like CareNet. I know there are hundreds of families who desperately want to adopt a baby. I wish more women would consider adoption instead of abortion!

Last night I took a picture of this incredibly fucked up chalk slogan on the same building as those previous pictures. The slogan is kinda light. I tried to zoom in with my camera phone so it could be seen better. It says "Keep Abortion Sexy."



"Keep Abortion Sexy"??? SEXY?? What the fuck was this person thinking!!? Abortion is NOT SEXY. It's HORRIBLE!!! It makes me want to get a color printer and tape up pictures of aborted babies so that everyone can see just how "sexy" it is!

That's just my gut level, first reaction to this idiocy. I don't want to see pictures of aborted babies. They are both heartbreaking and nauseating. I don't think people know what abortion looks like, though. If they did see it once, they'd understand it's NOT a lump of tissue that's removed from a woman's uterus. It's a beautiful preborn human baby that's torn to pieces!
It's possible to go to the Priests for Life website and see pictures of aborted babies. Or if you have an aversion to the Catholic church you can go to the Missionaries to the Preborn website. (Note: neither of these links go directly to pictures of aborted babies. You need to click on a separate link or button from the main page to get to the graphic pictures.) These sites are a good place to go for information about the pro life cause. I hope women in crisis pregnancies would be helped by someone involved in these organizations.

With the idiocy my above pictures represent, especially the "Keep Abortion Sexy" slogan, I can't do anything about it but rant! Don't let the American military kill innocent Iraqi civilians, but kill innocent unborn American babies? Don't harm the trees, the lakes, polar bears and other wild animals, but advocate for the gross bodily harm of unborn human babies? Now you see why I think Madison has fucked up priorities.