After one of my weekend shifts at Ticketmaster I walked home, part way at least. I reflected on how in my 2 years at the Survey center and my 3 months at Ticketmaster I had never taken a relay call. (Granted, at the Survey center I make outbound calls.) When I was a relay operator I found that in general some people were a bit startled by the relay call. I used to think, "Deaf people exist! Don't freak out! It's more common than you think!" That Saturday night I thought about how deaf people were my life at the Relay center. Then I changed my mind and realized that my job was my life! If I got bad reviews at the relay job I felt bad about myself. (It happened rather often, actually.) My "friendship" with Mike S. that I mentioned earlier added to it. I was just under a general cloud of gloom and shame back then.
I felt kind of condemned about not having "quiet time" with God. In the beginning I felt pretty pathetic about it! Most of the time when I tried to open my Bible and read my mind was distracted right away. I didn't seem to get a whole lot out of it. I know the basic message that God loved me so much that He sent Jesus Christ to be crucified and resurrected to atone for my sin. I didn 't get much more reassurance or revelation from it. I still can't make my "quiet time" last more than a few days in a row.
Pastor Andy said a couple things that were helpful. He used a silly analogy that went something like "When you miss lunch you don't say to yourself 'OH NO! I missed lunch, I will NEVER be able to eat AGAIN!' You just continue on and then eat dinner!" In other words, there's no reason for me to condemn myself and think I will NEVER have "quiet time" if I miss a day. That helped me feel less condemned.
Later on Pastor Andy began to read books by Gene Edwards, Brother Lawrence, Francois Fenelon and Jeanne Guyon which talk about "communing with God in my spirit." Pastor Andy explained that when I am saved, the Holy Spirit lives inside me. I can spend time in the Presence of God whenever I want by turning toward the Holy Spirit within and praying. The Bible contains truth about who God is and how Jesus Christ saves me, so I can look at it as a way to worship and commune with the Holy Spirit within. It's hard to explain. It is quite freeing. I don't have to feel pathetic for not spending adequate "quiet time" and not getting a lot out of reading the Bible. (Some Christians may get all uptight and say that it leads to the conclusion that I am god, god is everything, and I don't need Jesus Christ. I will simply say Pastor Andy was NOT teaching pantheism. I do NOT believe pantheism!)
I am glad that I am not under as much of a cloud of gloom and shame anymore. There are times when I feel somewhat depressed, but it doesn't seem as bad as in the past. That Saturday evening walking (part way) home from Ticketmaster I realized that I STILL don't have much going on in my life other than work. I am online quite a bit, watch Netflix DVDs, and occasionally read. I need a different hobby! I need to meet new people. Maybe I should join a new church, a Bible study, visit with my neighbors more, or talk to church friends on the phone more often! I gotta work on any and all of this!
